Weight off my chest

I recently read these words, “I was never thin, nor was I ever fat” and I was struck by how accurately that described my view of my body. I was never fat but I’ve never quite felt skinny either.

I haven’t written about weight or body-image in this journal because I want my running and other activities, my whole life to be about something other than a number on a scale or a number in my jeans that no one but me ever sees. I've consciously avoided the topic not want my writing to reflect any negative, unenlighted thoughts; those thoughts I'm not supposed to think. I don’t want to think about veggies and salad and soup and all the foods I love as a means of weight-loss. The steamed asparagus I ate for lunch was yummy not because it is healthier than French fries but because I love steamed asparagus. The peanut butter cookies I am planning on baking this weekend aren’t tiny caloric time bombs waiting to go off but instead the product of a (hopefully, *fingers crossed*) successful baking adventure.

Even worse than having to view food with a critical eye towards the scale or my waistline, would be to taint my running with thoughts and worries over my weight. As I run, I am often thankful that I don’t view it as a weight loss tool. Yes, I lost weight when I started running but losing weight wasn’t the reason I started running nor the reason I continue to run.

On the other hand, sometimes I am so determined not to be obsessed over my weight or my clothing size that it is all I think about. Is thinking about not thinking about something the same as thinking about it?

While running through the dark, morning streets I sometimes can’t help but admonish myself for not having a lean runner’s body. I will mentally kick myself for the plate of nachos and margarita I indulged in the night before and tell myself that I’ll do better next time; swearing only to eat healthy “good for me” foods from now on. Maybe if I stick to my new resolve towards, I convince myself, and I add more miles and faster speeds to my running, I can get to be as thin as people see me.

However, that insane line of thinking usually doesn’t last that long and I’m back to viewing veggies with delight rather than duty or resolve and I look forward to my runs because of how strong and proud I feel rather than how skinny or confident I think I could be.

Maybe one day I can as enlightened about my body and my weight as I like to think I am. Maybe when I’m older? Maybe after I’ve had a kid? Maybe tomorrow? In the meantime, I’ll keep running and searching, hoping that one day I catch up to that enlightenment.