Doubt

This past Sunday I woke up excited to try my first long run “ultra-style.” In other words, I was going out for 4 hours with the intention of doing run/walk intervals, 5 minutes running following by one minute walking repeated 40 times, and walking every incline, big or small. I got a late start, not getting out the door until just after 8 so I was going to be battling the heat and humidity along with the time/distance. However, I had a handheld of water, a camelbak full of water, food and a plan.

I headed east along the Custis Bike Trail toward the Potomac River and then turned on to the Mount Vernon Bike Trail going south. Even though it was hot, the bike path was shaded a decent amount and I felt good. I followed my run/walk/walk up inclines plan and things were going well.

After one hour, I took a longer walk break to eat a peanut butter bar.

The sun was beating down by this point but I was still feeling good and run/walk-ing well. My pace was nothing to be amazed by, probably a steady 11:00 minute/mile during the runs and a fast walk during the breaks. I also made it a point to power-hike the inclines.

At the two hour point, I turned around and headed back toward home and took a longer walk break to eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I was feeling pretty good at this point. I had done around 9.5 miles in 2 hours. For me, during long runs, the hardest part is just getting to the halfway point. In my mind, getting halfway means that the only thing left to do is make it home…and I always make it home. The sun was getting higher and the stretches with shade were getting further apart but I continue drinking every time I stopped to walk.

However, the wheels started to come off about an hour later. Somewhere around the 13 mile point my legs were not moving as quickly as I wanted them to and the running portions were getting harder. I decided to take a long walk break, sipping water as I went. I didn’t feel thirsty but I drank anyway. The heat also started getting to me.

This is when doubt started entering my head.
What am I doing? I asked myself. Why am I out here? I can’t run an ultra without months of training! I’m still recovering from the marathon. Wait, the marathon…two weeks ago I ran 26.2 miles in 4 hours 7 minutes and today I am struggling to finish half that….at a much, slower, deliberately slower, pace. What was a I thinking signing up for this ultra?

I decided to call it quits. I was about 2 miles from the Arlington National Cemetery metro station. I decided to run/walk to it and then call it a day. I debated just toughing it out but I decided to make the “smart” decision and not push myself. Live to fight another day, I told myself and I felt good about the decision.

I made it to the metro station, thanked all that was holy that I had remembered to throw a few bucks in my camelbak, and jumped on the next train. I was a little bummed that I didn’t make it the full distance but I felt good about the 15.5 miles (in 3 hours 19 minutes) that I had covered. It is going to be a hot day when I run the ultra so it was good practice, I thought to myself.

Unfortunately, I had to transfer trains and I had to wait 12 minutes for a train. As I waited on the bottom level of the Rosslyn metro station I noticed that my ears started to feel clogged. That’s unusual! I was listening to a podcast and it increasingly sounded like I was hearing it while holding my head under water. Then, my vision started going black. Oh my god! I am going to faint, I thought, so this is what it feels like to pass out.

Because my ears were clogged, I could hear my breathing very well and the one thing I noticed (other than how loud it sounded) was that it was actually pretty even. I told myself to keep calm and to think. My vision still getting dimmer and dimmer, I started looking around – the bench was full but I could sit on the floor (I was leaning on the wall). No, don’t sit on the floor, if I sit on the floor I’m going to pass out. Bad idea. I looked up and I still had 7 minutes until my train would arrive. I started paying attention to the people around me – when I pass out, which one is going to get to me first, which one is going to call for help, who looks like they would be good in crisis?

I honestly evaluated all the people on the platform around me (all tourists) and decided that I would have better chances upstairs at the metro kiosk with an employee or outside entirely. Don’t panic. Stay calm. I repeated this over and over to myself. I listened to my breathing – it was so loud in my ears. I don’t remember my heart racing but my breathing was steady.

Alright, pushing myself off the wall, eyes down and focused on each step my foot was taking, just get upstairs. If I pass out, I want to be as close to above ground as possible. If I can make it all the way out of the station, I’ll call Mike and he can come pick me up. I was making deals with myself – don’t pass out until you see sunlight or an employee. Just keep walking.

And, then, just like that…my vision came back. My ears felt better (still a little clogged). Walking was helping. I kept pacing along the platform, afraid that if I stopped I would start to feel bad again. I also started sweating even more. It was like walking flipped a switch and my body was functioning properly again.

My train finally pulled in to the station, which means I was fighting off fainting for over 5 minutes. I jumped on the train and couldn’t wait to go the four stops. I tried to look as normal as possible even though I was absolutely soaked in sweat and who knows what my face looked like (I’m not good at hiding my emotions – they are always written all over my face). I’m sure I looked frightened and I was!

I made it to the Ballston metro station and high-tailed it out to the street. I called Mike to pick me up because I didn’t want to chance the walk home. If I passed out in a neighborhood, who knows how long it would be until someone noticed me. As I waited for Mike to drive to the station, I started to feel really scared. No longer faced with the crisis, it started to hit me just what had happened to me, just how close I had come to something very serious happening to me.

Mike got me home and I showered and changed. I felt pretty off for the rest of the day – slight headache and just whole-body tired. I’ve been thinking about what I did wrong – more water, more often, saltier foods (pretzels were in my pack but I hadn’t eaten them), run earlier to avoid the worst of the day’s heat.

As I get farther from Sunday’s experience, I am slowly gaining back my confidence but I still have quite a few doubts. I’ll attempt another long run this weekend (much earlier in the day though) and if it doesn’t go well, I may have to face facts – I may not be ready to run an ultra marathon so soon after a marathon. I’m worried…but hopeful.

Daily Dozen:
No running – my body needs a break
Slow walk and stretching @ lunch hour