"I'm OK"

I’m afraid. I’ll admit it.

I’m afraid of running fast. I’m afraid of how it’ll feel, which let’s be honest, is a fear of pain. I’m afraid I’ll injury myself and never run again. I’m afraid I’ll get halfway through a run and not be able to make it back home. To put it simply, I’m afraid I’ll fail.

Of course, “fast” is a relative term and for me, a solid 10:30 minute mile is my norm, meaning “fast” is anything under 10:00 minute mile. This is not “fast” by most other people’s understanding of the term.

Regardless of the pace associated with “fast” I’m still afraid of it.

That being said, the feeling of running fast is exhilarating. When I’m running fast, my mind doesn’t wonder, it is focused; I’m in the zone, hypnotized by the increasing, steady rhythm of quicker footfalls as they fall in sync with my heavier breathing.

“Fast Feet” and “Run Faster” replace my usual mantra (“Steady and Strong”) and there is usually only one thought that is able to penetrate the hypnotic state: “See this isn’t so bad, I’m OK….I’m OK.”

And then the euphoria ends. Sometimes it lasts for a few minutes and sometimes it’ll stretch to a few wonderful miles but it always ends. My focus wavers. My leg turnover is no longer even. My breathing is bordering on gasping. I’m no longer OK.

But I am OK. I can’t see it in the moment because as the fear takes control, I forget that the pain has always been temporary, I’ve always made it home under my own power and I’ve accomplished so many seemingly impossible things in my short running life – I finished my first marathon strong, I’ve run a sub-2 half marathon and I get out there most mornings and enjoy the physical act of running…and I love it. Despite those moments of doubt, I am OK.

I haven’t figured out how to ignore the fear and stay focused but it is a challenge I am willing to tackle. I just have to remember, even when my legs start to fill with lead and my breathing resembles Darth Vader on a bad day, “I’m OK” and I have to believe it.

Today’s Daily Dozen:
4.02 mile run, 1 mile warm-up, 2 miles @ tempo (aka “comfortably hard”), 1 mile cool down
Core workout w/ Stability Ball @ lunch hour